OK, so when the doc cuts through Mama's belly and into my crib, first thing I want to do is kick some ass. Here's Mom all 'fraidy freaky 'cause she don't like pain, so she pre-plans a C-section
and makes sure everyone knows but me.
Christ on a crutch, what's a baby gotta do to get some lovin' here?
So the peeps reach in and grabs me, like I'm a bundle of loot and this is a robbery. Sure sure, the docs be wearing masks, so at first I think it is
a robbery, but then I realize Mama got her legs spread, so maybe it's a costume orgy. You know, I'm just saying ...
But all turned out well, considering. Lots more room out here. Womb was getting snug. I coulda been seven whole pounds if the Queen B woulda let me gestate for a few more days. Damn, just when I was pimpin' free in the crib, Mama's gotta spoil the fun. I mean, I love her and all, but damn. Just damn. All this bright light be bothering my sensitive eyes.
So is the name. Sean Preston Federline
ain't exactly the boldest of names, you know what I'm saying? Sounds a little faggy to me, but I'll take it, long as you don't call me Preston. Comes to that, I'm doing the beatdown on someone's skull.
And this goes out to all y'all: Quit your goddamned cooing.
I ain't no bird, though I'm gonna peck the living hell outta the next person who comes by and starts with the "ooooh, isn't he precious? Coo, coo, gaga goo-goo." Enough to make a baby wanna scream, so I been doing a lot of that.
But damn, I am
good looking. Fulla head of curly hair and hung like a 10-year-old. Damn, I know that ain't on account of the Sperminator -- oops, I mean Daddy.
The folks were getting it on a lot while I was kicking back, and I didn't have any knocks on my door, if you know what I'm saying.
Best part of being out here? I know the taste of the teat
, and lemme tell you, brother, it's tight and sweet. Just think about me sucking on Brit's right nipple. Picture it. Savor it. Be freaking jealous all you want, 'cause I'm the only one doing the deed right now -- and it's mighty fine.
Speaking of nice racks, Ashanti bopped by with some greetings. Wonder if I could convince Mom that she's all dried up and Ashanti needs to let me suckle her.
Carmen Electra also stopped by, but no way am I sucking her tit. A baby's got some pride.